totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
