My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
