Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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