Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
