I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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