Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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