can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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