I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
