sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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