if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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