Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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