I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
