do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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