When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I need a hoe opinion
go on
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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