8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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