I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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