I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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