i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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