i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
