I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
