This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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