Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
