SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
