I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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