he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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