You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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