just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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