I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
