Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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