24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
