I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
