What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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