Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
