I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
