It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
