I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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