PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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