he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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