We need to start having sex underwater more often.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
