I'm gonna have a badass scar
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
