You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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