I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
