I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
