I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
