I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
