and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize