I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Everclear isn't food dammit
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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