Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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