i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
