im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
