Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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