omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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