I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
