any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
