my phone needs a breathalizer
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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