Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize