you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
