Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
