your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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